Sinnybee--This is Me

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Sinnybee--This is Me

Postby sinnybee » 02 Oct 2018, 18:48

In over 8 years on, I have shared a good amount about myself.
However, I have never written a post/thread introducing myself here. I'd like to take this opportunity to do so now.

There are a lot of quite personal things that I haven't shared, some of which I feel that I need to get out now.
Before I dive into that though, I will offer up a few unique and miscellaneous items to start this off in a more laid-back fashion, which of course includes a bit of bragging about myself.

  • I have never lost a food eating competition or challenge before. I won $200 for being a hot dog eating champion. I ate 11 hot dogs and 11 hot buns in 5 minutes (proof that I'm good at craming hot dog shaped objects into my mouth lol). There were 8 rounds of 8 competitors each and the second best result was 5 hot dogs and buns in 5 minutes.

  • The other amount of money I remember winning was $100 for having the most popular online quiz on a beta quiz making site during their final competition.

  • I did over 9000 crunches/sit-ups in the span of 8 (consecutive) days earlier this year, after working up to that pace for less than a month.

  • I was one of six founding members of a church / religious denomination. It was based on a church that had been founded in 1985 in Los Angeles and had recently disbanded, had mostly consisted of LGBTQ members, was attended by those of diverse religious (or lack thereof) backgrounds, with beliefs based on those of the Mormon/LDS church, and was the only LDS denomination to allow the same for men and women (including the ability of women to hold the priesthood).

  • My first 10 games (ranked) on playdip consist of 8 solos, 1 two-way draw, and 1 loss.

  • I was Diplomacy champion 2 of 3 years in high school 21 or 28 player tournaments.

  • I was in several other clubs in high school, was 1st chair of 11 violas, president of the Symphony Orchestra, manager of all the orchestras, with a key to the orchestra, chior, and practice rooms, and I was in the most elite choirs. I was only one of two from my high school orchestras to make it into the Metropolitan Youth Symphony (of Detroit), was in it for 4 years, and made it into their top tiered Symphony Orchestra when I was a junior.

  • I was in small and large instrumental, vocal/instrumental, and vocal groups including an A'Cappella group I co-founded, that, with-in just a semester or two, rose to become the 4th best of the highly competitive A'Cappella groups of BYU. In college, I got to participate in studio recordings, basketball game Star Spangled Banner performing, romantic renditions just prior to marriage proposals, many types of concerts, gigs, and even the lovely simplicity of singing a barbershop style happy birthday song I co-wrote to dozens of people.

  • I was a music minor in college, got 97% in my music theory course (highest among hundreds in the class), and was a conductor at university devotional, though that was normally only done by a music major.

  • My major was generally declared as math at first (having wanted to be a mathematician as a kid), then it was was Statistics with an Emphasis in Actuarial Science, then it was Economics.

  • I had the highest exam scores by far in the Economics department at my university. On several upper-level Economics course exams, I got 100% (the only one in the class), including from the professor who was chair of the department and from the professor with the most charisma in the department, who hosted and helped campaign for Mitt Romney, and who was most sought after to TA for. I was his TA (teacher's assistant).
    (To be fair, I've forgotten most of the Economics and music that I learned.)

  • With only 15 credits left to get my BS in Economics, I dropped out of college, with a medically excused withdraw from school written by my therapist.
    This was due to the problems that arose from what I refer to as my transgender meltdown.

  • I am a transgender woman.

Why didn't you say so earlier?

I'm not exactly proud to be transgender. I personally have considered it to be a pretty shitty thing to live through.

I mean yeah, it was one of the best days of my life in the summer of 2009, when I
A) was with a new transgender rights group and making history as part of the first ever transgender group to officially march in the Salt Lake City pride parade,
B) had a random girl run up to me and give me a huge hug and words of encouragement while I was marching, and
C) met and was asked out by someone who I would date for quite a while and who would become one of my best friends.

However, it's very common for me to have a day made rough by transgender issues.

So, in general, I prefer to be known online simply as a woman. My brain, heart, and spirit have been female for my whole life and I'm not fond of being treated differently nor am I fond of the drama associated with being transgender.

Specifically, I've been trying to put out this thread for many months, but I've been having great anxiety trying to write this.
Though I've come out many times in the last 10+ years, it remains a very emotionally draining task and my emotions often are in a critical or delicate state, especially when hormone fluctuations are thrown into the mix.

In that case, why are you sharing this part of your identity with us at all?

I wanted this to come out before the World Diplomacy Championship in just a few days in Washington D.C. that I will be at.
Also, I feel that I'm past due to do this; I trust you guys enough to share this and I'm getting really tired of sharing this on an individual basis.

An individual basis? Who on playdip have you told this to?

The first person on playdip that I came out as transgender to (three months after joining this site) was TheCraw, the first of my close friends from playdip.

In 2013, I came out as transgender to SyawnBirk. Then, to britneykay in 2014. Then, to gnaah in early 2015, though he figured it out right before I was about to tell him.
After that, I was going to come out to Lukan, but that didn't quite happen. If it would have, nanooktheeskimo would have been next, followed by Fatmo.

I came out as transgender to Pootleflump at the start of this year, then to Rotsu, then SteveHybrid, then Kimbyrle/kimpossible, then Dwiltse1114, then asudevil, then I told UFO Fever.
Others have also been told this year in a much less formal manner: Zoomzip, Woolgie, and Fatmo most recently.

Here is a pic of what I used to look like followed by a pic of me from late 2014:
M1.jpg (11.76 KiB) Viewed 2201 times
M3.jpg (20.79 KiB) Viewed 2201 times
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Re: Sinnybee--This is Me

Postby sinnybee » 02 Oct 2018, 18:50

I will put some stuff about my current situation in this post later today.

The pics below are of me in late 2016, and from 11 days ago:
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M5.jpg (27.12 KiB) Viewed 2198 times
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Re: Sinnybee--This is Me

Postby sinnybee » 02 Oct 2018, 18:51

I was born in Santa Ana, Orange County, California

-Age 3 - A therapist with extensive trance experience helped me unveil a memory at age 3 of myself disapproving of my male sex that had happened a couple decades earlier.

-I'm thankful that my parents took pictures of myself when I was young that remind me of the transgender feelings that I was feeling at that time. A few of my favorites include myself walking in my mom's heels (there are no pictures of myself walking in my dad's shoes), myself playing with a doll in the back of a bedroom, and myself with one of my best friends (all 3 happened to be girls) with the side of each face near the other and each with identical exaggerated smiles directed at the camera. When I get the chance, I'll find those pics and post them here.

-Age 5 - Moved to Lincoln, Massachusetts, close to the start of my Kindergarten school year

-I kept wondering why I had never been given a doll before, so I finally officially asked for a doll for my 6th birthday. I was given a boy doll with zipper, snap, button, and shoelaces. It was a doll meant for a boy--not what I wanted, though I pretended to like it, since I had been taught to be thankful for gifts. I wanted a doll like all the other dolls I had ever seen before--I wanted a fragile doll, that I could cradle, rock, hold, feed, talk gently too, etc.

-About Age 7 - After watching a well-performed Peter Pan play, I stared in awe at the actress who played Peter Pan. I felt a connection to her--she was a girl playing the part of a boy, and I felt the same way, except that I had to act like a boy a lot more often than she did.

-About Age 8 - I read Baum's "The Marvelous Land of Oz" (1904, 4 years after "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz";), book 2 of 14 in the Oz series that was introduced to me by my Aunt Michele. Toward the end of the book, Glinda explains to Tip, the main character (about age 11), that he is actually a she, that when the good King and Queen of Oz were overthrown by the wicked witches of the East and West, they had the evil witch Mombi transform the rightful heir, the very young princess Ozma, into a boy, and had her take the small child into a secluded forest in Oz. Tip declines Glinda's offer to turn him back into a her. Then, the characters that Tip has journeyed with to the Emerald city, and Glinda, convince Tip to become her true self, Ozma, the rightful young Queen of Oz. When I read that Tip refused Glinda's offer to change him back into a girl, I was livid. I nearly yelled into the book at him, telling him that he was utterly foolish to turn down the opportunity to be a girl. Later, when I was able to get past that part, I was in such incredible awe when Ozma was transformed back into her true form as a beautiful girl. I cried. I cried so much. I read the whole section over and over, about 10 times, before proceeding to the very end of the book. I wanted so very much to just be a girl. I wanted the experience that Ozma had had--to change back into the true form of a girl, even if it were without the bells and whistles of being beautiful and of being a Queen.

-Age 9 - Moved to Michigan

-In a book I was reading for a book report, the main character, Joan, was described as being a tomboy. I asked my mom what the definition was of a tomboy. After hearing the answer I expected, I asked what the term was for the opposite of a tomboy, or rather the term of a boy who wants to be a girl. After hesitating, I recall her abruptly and quickly responding with "A sissy, but you don't want to be one of those!" The first two words were said quietly and the rest were spoken loudly. It's probably what most people would have said at the time. My mother has since explained that she said that because she didn't want me to be treated poorly by my peers. What I took away from the exchange was that society deems it unacceptable for me to want to be a girl--that I must hide my feelings.

-I put more effort into trying to fit in with boys--trying to say and do what would avoid their teasing and gain some of their acceptance. I learned how to burp loudly. During recess, when the boys were especially rowdy, I became good at a tackling game that was played, and I loathed the excessive amount of spitting on each other that took place.

-At age 11, before I even knew the definition of the word "lesbian", I started having (non-erotic) fantasies of being a girl while kissing another girl.

-At age 12, at my church, I was told by a peer to not cross my legs in the manner I was using, that only girls were supposed to cross their legs that way. I also quickly learned how to sing bass, as it was one of the easiest ways for me to make the older young men believe that I possessed masculinity and that I was good enough to be in their presence.

-Around this time I started covering my crotch area with a washcloth while not standing in the shower/bathtub, so that I wouldn't have to look at it.

-In 7th grade (Jr. High) I started wearing female clothing when I was home alone or separated from my younger sibling(s) by a floor or two. It was quite mild, usually only consisting of a top out of my mom's closet worn over my shirt, along with a scarf or other accessory or other article of clothing. I would look at myself in the full-length closet mirrors in my parents' bedroom while meandering across the floor. Afterward, I would spend a lot of time up close to the mirror, just staring at my eyes, trying to look into them--into my soul--into the female inside of me.

-Though I didn't admit it to myself at the time, 7th grade was also the time that I started finding some boys to be cute: a few boys that were in the advanced placement math class with me.

-I highly value the male friends and acquaintances I have had throughout my life. However, I was quite excited that it was once again socially acceptable for me to have a lot of female friends in Junior High School. For example, I felt so honored in 8th grade to be completely surrounded by (about 7) girls at a birthday party.

-In 9th grade, I felt so privileged to feel as if I were part of a club with my second-stand viola partner, Melissa M. (who was in 11th grade), cellist Sarah W. (who was in 10th grade), and other female cellist(s). I proudly taped up in my locker the coloring book pictures they had carefully colored for me.
Melissa M's best friend, once caught me at the library researching something I was embarrassed to be researching. She was very kind and pleasant about it, and asked me (seemingly earnestly) if I was interested in a career in what I was researching. I said "no" and quickly changed the subject.
I spent a good amount of time at the library researching female related topics. For example, I took an interest in reading about Soleil Moon Frye (Punky Brewster, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch) and her breast reduction surgery.

-One time in 9th grade when I was alone in the boys' dressing room, Michelle G. (who was in 9th grade) came in holding a bra and asked me if it was mine. I said "no". She asked again, if I was sure that it wasn't mine. I again said that it wasn't mine (I had never even seen it before). She said something to the effect of "whatever", and left the bra there, then left the room. I assume that she had done it on a dare, but to this day, I have never asked anyone. I smuggled the bra home and through the washer and dryer, and it became one of my most valued possessions.

-At a 9th grade Drama Club cast party, Sarah W. jokingly nominated me as homecoming queen and Ryan P. (who was in 12th grade and who was a really funny, outgoing, and cute guy) as homecoming king. Then, she said that we had to dance. Though I attempted to push him away, he danced with me. I showed all signs of being very embarrassed, but I secretly absolutely loved the whole incident, and felt incredibly complimented at being fake nominated as homecoming queen.

-The summer after freshman year was the height of my wearing of female clothing prior to officially realizing that I was transgender. As it is with other transgender people, my main reasons for doing so were 1) to deal with gender dysphoria (the gender mismatch to biological sex) and the depression associated with such and 2) to feel more associated with my gender by dressing as such, which results in smiles and an inner sense of peace. It was so frequent that I got caught by multiple family members / relatives, leading to a lot of reduction in my wearing of female clothes in subsequent years. When my mom found my female clothes (none of which were taken/stolen) hidden on the top shelf of my closet, she confronted me about them and said that she would throw them away. I told her not to. Then, she told me to promise to never wear them again. I was silent. Then, thankfully, she calmed my heart by setting down my clothes and leaving my bedroom.

-In 10th or 11th grade, I wrote a paper in Mr. Ferguson's class about how I wished I could someday get pregnant and be a mother (it was a geography or U.S. history class, but the assignment was relatively open-ended). When I was young, I occasionally would consider that maybe I wasn't so different--maybe most boys secretly wanted to be girls but they were too macho to admit it. In high school, I tried asking Mr. Ferguson if he wished that he (like his wife) could have the opportunity to be pregnant--to be able to have such a close connection with a baby. I asked at a bad time, right before the start of class, when he was greeting students as they entered. I had to repeat my question once or twice. When it was clear that he heard my question, he seemed puzzled and possibly uncomfortable and finally replied with "I guess".

-When I was able to drive alone, I would try to find as many chances as possible to do so, so that I could sing at the top of my lungs while practicing singing like a girl.

-In 11th grade, depression hit me hard. I believe that a large portion of it was clinical depression and that it was also significantly augmented by depression due to gender dysphoria. I would often just lie down on the floor of my bedroom after getting home from school and I was often not interested in eating dinner, even though eating is normally one of my favorite things to do. I failed a class (that I retook my senior year) and got two D grades though I had never gotten anything lower than a B in previous years. During 12th grade, I met with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with depression. I also met with a therapist who said that I was 5/6 of the way to but just shy of an ADD diagnosis. I was at first in denial of having depression and even more in denial of being transgender, since I didn't know that being transgender was a thing or rather a possibility in society, so I kept those feelings buried, mostly subconsciously, not talking about them.

-In 9th to 11th grade on Halloween Day of Spirit Week, I dressed up as Waldo of "Where's Waldo?" In 12th grade, I dressed up as the female version of Waldo. It was a costume that I had prepared for for a long time. I was so incredibly nervous about my appearance and possible negative reactions from others, that I wore my letter jacket over my costume for two-thirds of the day. When my costume was showing, I got a chuckle out of a teacher calling me "dear" and of Heidi H. having a wonderful chat with me.

-I loved singing all the highest parts in the Pop Concert put on by the A Cappella, including the high B-flat of Bohemian Rhapsody along with a couple first sopranos.

-In 12th grade, I loved the interest that the A Cappella class had in constantly requesting that I sing a section of the chorus of my "Can You Sing Like A Girl?" song that I wrote.

-In 12th grade, I wrote my Advanced Writing research paper on the strength of the female characters and the weakness of the male characters in Baum's Oz books. For example, in "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz", Dorothy, the wicked witch of the West, and Glinda are all strong leaders and are confident, brave, and independent women. Conversely, the scarecrow/tin woodsman/cowardly lion (which can essentially be treated as one character as they just share lines and are slightly different versions of a one-dimensional entity) and the Wizard of Oz are weak in character, have a lot to learn from Dorothy, and only have courage and only follow their dreams with the help of Dorothy. In all 14 of Baum's Oz books, I only counted 1 male heroic character--all the rest are female. Baum, the secretary of Aberdeen's Woman's Suffrage Club, and the son-in-law of Matilda Joslyn Gage, a famous women's suffrage and feminist activist, is one of my biggest heroes for advocating gender equality and for teaching young readers that girls and women can do amazing things, can follow their dreams, and can be just as powerful, strong, independent, and brave as men can. He also allowed me to envision the joy that would accompany transforming into one's true sex.

-Toward the end of 12th grade, I had the opposite of senioritis—I didn't want high school to be over. Though I didn't admit it out loud, I felt that I had missed out on female-specific high school experiences that I was interested in.

-While at BYU-Idaho, I bought some long rainbow-colored toe socks that were well decorated and included the words "GIRLS RULE!" I put them on and showed them off to the girls in Riviera apartment #15, many of whom would wear toe socks in the evening while lounging around their apartment. I secretly wanted to wear them on a regular basis and be a part of their unofficial toe sock club.

-While at BYU (Provo, Utah), I became "one of the girls" at the apartment of Katie and Kimberly and their roommates. Sometimes when we were out and about (i.e. at a grocery store) we would pretend that Kimberly was the mom and that Katie and I were young sisters and brats and would fight over stupid things. We watched Moulin Rouge (skipping past the "bad" parts lol--this was literally across the street from BYU after all) a lot and they often had me sing the female parts. Kimberly picked out a ridiculous female name for me, then I suggested "Jamie", which was the name of a girlfriend (whom I have a lot of respect for) I had had the previous semester. They quickly approved the name of "Jamie" for me.

One ritual that I quickly became very fond of was my chance to brush Katie's hair. She would often hop into a quick shower and wash her hair when I was over or about to come over, so I could more easily brush her hair. I started falling in love with Katie. After my second date with Katie, I asked her if I could hold her hand. She said that I could if it was as a simple gesture without meaning behind it but that if it was as a symbol of furthering our relationship--of adding romance and such, then no, that she thought of me as a sister (extending beyond the game we had had). Understand that Katie is one of the most honest people I know and that I could tell that her words were sincere. She turned me down in the politest way possible while saying that she thought of me as a sister, which I take as a compliment.

-I got married at a young age to a different girl.

-A year later, my older son was born.

-While playing World of Warcraft, an online friend asked me if I was female or a male playing a female character. I thought about it for less than a minute then felt that I could honestly answer that I was female. My gender identity always has been and always will be female, I believe. Since then, I have always identified myself as female (or transgender female) to those I meet online.

-I had a significant amount of depression and would sometimes pace around the apartment when my wife wasn't there and mutter "I just want to die". I would usually correct myself minutes later and say "No... I just want to be a girl".

-In the first year of my son's life, I was 99% of the time the one who gave him a bath, who woke up with him during the night to feed and/or rock him, who held him and who changed his diaper when both of us were around, and who cooked the meals. I had full-time college classes in the morning and also worked part-time. My wife worked in the afternoon/evening and took care of writing out and sending utility and other bills--the job I least wanted. She is now a fantastic mother and does a great job with our kids. I'm happy for the opportunity I had to step up and take on a lot of parental roles while she was going through a hard time of severe depression.

-At the end of that year, I bumped into a transgender website quite literally by accident, where I had the chance to read autobiograpical stories of transgender people. I think of this as my big awakening, the end of my naivety--finally officially learning that I am transgender. Prior to this, I had seen all or a part of a couple transgender documentaries, but had assumed that transition was very expensive--only available to those with a lot of money or good sponsors, or that transition was impossible in my religion or something.

A few days later I came out to my wife.

-At the start of the following year, my wife got back onto anti-depressant medication(s) for the first time since we got married, just over two years earlier.

-Later that month, she went to live with her parents for a while, taking along our son.

Meanwhile, my subconscious realized that I no longer had to try to carry her along and support her through her depression, so my adreneline discontinued and I crashed hard. For about a month while living alone in the apartment, I would typically meditate in the bathtub for an hour a day, eat a TV dinner and a few baby carrots and nothing else for the whole day, listen to / watch songs on youtube over and over like Bee Gees - How Deep Is Your Love & Too Much Heaven.

-The next month, I came out as transgender to most of my immediate family.

-Skipping ahead, my younger son was born that summer.

-At that time, I finally started seeing a therapist with significant experience with transgender patients.

She wrote a hormone recommendation letter three months later and I went to a doctor who got me started with a prescription for a small dose of male-to-female hormones.

-The next year, my wife's family hired the best divorce lawyer in the state to try to get me the least amount possible of visitation with my kids because they didn't understand me and my situation and thus feared me being around my kids, though of course I was just as harmless as I had always been.

In that year I got a good deal on full-body laser hair removal and got my ears pierced.

I was sad to recieve no or very little acknowledgement or support from my parents or others (except for my new friends) of my efforts to transition. So often, when I thought I had waited long enough to proceed forward, one of my parents would suggest that I cut my hair, making me feel like I was pushed back while trying to step forward.

-I got a good deal on vocal feminization group classes. I was one of ten male-to-female students and the only one with perfect attendence in the ten week program. I feel that I was starting to make good progress or at least trained in tools to effectively practice speaking in a female voice. However, when my parents (and siblings) returned from four months in Germany (due to my Dad's sabatical there), I returned to masculine speaking habits, afraid that I would be given a hard time or pushed back as I had before.

-My 52 year old transgender friend / owner I paid rent to / roommate of two years committed suicide (2011). She shot herself in the head in her bedroom while I was out of town. When I got back, then after nearly a day of wondering if there was rotting hamburger meat in the fridge, I was the one to discover the body, dark head and all. Grusome scene aside, she was a great person who had really softened around the edges in recent years (physically with her facial feminization surgery and more importantly as a person, having moved here from the Bronx, from a family that she never felt able to come out to). Her identical (at birth) homophobic and transphobic twin brother was a complete asshole to me when he flew in to settle the estate/assets/belongings. After learning that she had a girlfriend, he was relieved, having been worried that she might have been a gay man, with no interest in hearing about my explainations that she was transgender nor did he acknowledge any of the signs of such.

-From 2011-2014, I worked part-time as a live-in nanny, my first job in which I was accepted as female and addressed with female pronouns like "she". I always dressed as a woman while working and living there. One of the reasons I applied for the job was to prove (especially to my ex-wife's family) that just because I was transgender, it didn't make me the slightest bit less good with kids. In fact, I am even better around kids when I am able to be myself, I believe. The nannies who worked there before I did only lasted about one and three months each--the parents obviously had high standards for a nanny which I met all the way to the end, when the mother finished her degree. When I started there Sienna was 4 and Kyle was 2 and they would sometimes call me "mom" (their doing, not something I would have to request) either as a role in a game of "house" or as a mistake, that would cause them to laugh and say something like "oops, I called you mom". As a transgender female who has always wanted to be a mother, this experience with these kids was wonderful, especially as my divorce decree says that I can't tell my own kids to call me "mom" (not that I was planning on doing that).

-In August, 2014, I started taking a full-dose of male-to-female hormones, after having only taken smaller and off-and-on doses of hormones.

-In October, 2014, I moved into a place with all female roommates, all three being cisgender (not transgender) but very transgender friendly, very musically inclined, of various sexual orientations, and each with a very lovable dog. It was a very healthy and healing environment for me.

-1 December 2014 was my first day of training at JetBlue Airways, my second job as female. I got a huge smile when I got my first piece of mail from them addressed to MS Jamie W., and showed all my roommates with pride.
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Re: Sinnybee--This is Me

Postby dib » 02 Oct 2018, 18:54

Congratulations SB. I admire your bravery.
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Re: Sinnybee--This is Me

Postby kimpossible » 02 Oct 2018, 19:03

We've already talked, so just all the <3 <3 <3.
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Re: Sinnybee--This is Me

Postby asudevil » 02 Oct 2018, 19:08

We love you sinny
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Re: Sinnybee--This is Me

Postby NoPunIn10Did » 02 Oct 2018, 19:17

This is one heck of a post, sinnybee.

I hope the PD community will be a safe space where you can talk openly about your life without fear of being treated poorly for who you are.
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Re: Sinnybee--This is Me

Postby Conq » 02 Oct 2018, 19:27

Wow -- love, pride, respect. Feeling very much in awe of you. It takes strength to choose.

Thank you for sharing with us -- looking forward to meeting you in a couple of days!!
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Re: Sinnybee--This is Me

Postby Nanook » 02 Oct 2018, 19:45

That’s a heck of a story. Nothing but love and respect.
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Re: Sinnybee--This is Me

Postby Woolgie » 02 Oct 2018, 20:23

I got as far as the bit where you dropped out of college then my oven timer beeped and I got up thinking wow she knows how to make a post really long. Hope I didn’t miss anything exciting.
Jon Stark in Diplomacy of Ice and Fire III - Winter is coming
GMing my Star Wars variant
Still proud of my solo in Versailles Fog Chaos
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